


catharsis

by yadoiangel



Series: HQ x Taylor Swift Week 2020 [3]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Based on a Taylor Swift Song, Break Up, Getting Together, Growing Up, Just angst, M/M, Mentioned Oikawa Tooru, Moving On, Oikawa Tooru is Not a Good Person, Post-Canon, Post-Time Skip, Sad Iwaizumi Hajime, Song fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-16
Updated: 2020-09-16
Packaged: 2021-03-06 21:07:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,632
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26445352
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yadoiangel/pseuds/yadoiangel
Summary: Lying there in the dirt in his backyard with the sky crying on him, Iwaizumi finally let himself be selfish for once.I’m angry at him, and I have every right to be,he told himself, feeling a profound lightness that stopped his tears and made him laugh out loud.HQ Swift Week Day 4: 1989song: Clean
Relationships: Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru
Series: HQ x Taylor Swift Week 2020 [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1900672
Comments: 2
Kudos: 25





	catharsis

**Author's Note:**

> aka the author had some painful things happen to them and wrote 2.6k words of... _this_ to cope.

_10 months,_ Iwaizumi thought to himself as he looked at his backyard. 

“10 fucking months. How lame,” he said out loud, drinking cheap sake straight out of the bottle. 

He shook his head at himself, trying to get rid of the self-loathing. He shouldn't be impatient, not with _this._

_This_ being his moving on process, or at least that’s what everyone told him. He wasn't sure that what he was doing _was_ moving on, though. Distracting himself was a better term, but then that wouldn't include being back home, would it? 

There was nothing distracting about being back in his first home, looking around his room and backyard and thinking back to all the memories he and Oikawa shared in these places. Even the first thing he saw when he got here was the one picture of them that was hanging with other various family pictures in the hall, the one of them holding up autographed things and smiling wide at the camera. His mother had come up to him and apologized for “missing that one” as she had said. He had laughed at her worrying over him, and reassured her that it was okay. He had taken the photo off the wall himself and took it back to his room, where all the memories coalesced into something almost living within the crevices of the past, haunting him. 

No, there was nothing distracting about this, which is maybe why he went back home. _After 10 months, it was finally time,_ he thought. _Time for moving on,_ Matsukawa had told him. _Time for getting off his moping ass,_ Hanamaki had said as he slapped Iwaizumi's back. He was grateful for his friends. _Their_ friends, technically, but Hanamaki and Matsukawa can more than handle being friends with Oikawa and Iwaizumi separated, which is why he never bothered to contradict them.

How could he move on from someone who had been there all his life, though? How could Iwaizumi go on with his life now that there was a huge gaping hole in it in the shape of his childhood best friend, the love of his life, _his_ Oikawa? Iwaizumi has spent the 10 months clinging to these questions, torturing himself with what if’s and if only’s and wishes and daydreams. 

Iwaizumi could feel the familiar pain of loss and anger in his chest bubbling to the surface, and this time he just let it, this time he didn’t try to distract himself from the pain. He roved his eyes all over the backyard, latching on to the few plants still fighting to live in the neglect. He remembered a few of them being planted there, remembered the way he and Oikawa fought over who was going to dig and who was going to water the plant every day and who was going to measure it and _why do we need to measure it, Stupidkawa?_ in Iwaizumi’s already gruff voice at 8 years old, and Oikawa’s annoying _to check if it’s growing, of course!_ in that already bratty tone, also at 8 years old. 

Iwaizumi kept staring, his mind now flying through the years of memories that were opened by the first. His thoughts were once again hooked by the things he was packing in his room—clothes left behind, photos over the years kept under a floorboard, that one notebook on his shelf where they wrote down the plays they wanted to do when they got into a volleyball team, random things of Oikawa’s and trinkets that they both bought and therefore both had ownership over that was left when they both grew up and moved out—material things that were now like an anchor to him, dragging him down into the past when he was supposed to be thinking of what comes next.

The memories kept coming, and one caught his attention. It was when they were in Kitagawa Daiichi, just before graduating: 

  


* * *

  


“Iwa-chan, what high school are you going to?” Oikawa asked, that flippant tone always pissing him off since he knew why Oikawa started using it, even if others couldn’t tell how different it was from his previous bratty one.

“Didn’t we already talk about this? I already told my parents we’re going to Aoba Johsai, Crappykawa,” Iwaizumi told him, going to punch the other.

“When did we talk about that?” the taller boy teasingly asked, easily dodging Iwaizumi’s fist. 

“During last practice. Did you hit your head or something? Did all that training finally got you stupid?” Iwaizumi insulted, now feeling properly pissed off at the thought of Oikawa going back on what they agreed on. 

“Why are you always so mean to me, Iwa-chan? I was just asking,” Oikawa pouted, and Iwaizumi just rolled his eyes.

“That doesn’t work on me, Loserkawa. If you wanna be babied you have a whole horde of groupies that can do that for you,” Iwaizumi waved him off, pointing at the girls on the back of the crowd just wanting a glimpse of him.

“Iwa-chan, are you jealous?” Oikawa teased some more, and this time he was too slow for Iwaizumi’s jab at his head, “Ow! Iwa-chan, that hurt!” he added, rubbing at his forehead.

“Good. Maybe then you’ll get it through your head not to tease me,” Iwaizumi huffed.

  


* * *

  


The Iwaizumi now laughed at his younger self. That was around the time his platonic feelings started changing, and in hindsight the reason Oikawa then had teased him so much about it was maybe because he had seen it too, even if he didn’t understand it yet. 

Iwaizumi sighed, standing up and walking closer to those little flowers close to dying on the ground, crouching low to check if they were salvageable. It was easier then, he reflected, the confusion of his evolving emotions far preferable to the confusion of his pain and anger and grief now. _When did I get this dramatic?_ he thought, clicking his tongue at himself, _Oikawa’s still rubbing off on me even after 10 months, when the bastard’s on the opposite side of the earth,_ he reminded himself, bitter.

He lightly touched one leaf, and to his dismay the whole stem of the flower fell off at his finger, effectively killing the entire plant. He clicked his tongue again, letting himself fall back on the dirt, his drink long forgotten now in the swirling memories of Oikawa. He looked up at the sky but he didn’t see the gray clouds, instead remembering times when he and Oikawa would stay here and stay up late with the stars, kind of like what he was doing—except then it was at night and Oikawa was there beside him.

His chest was tightening up now, making it hard for him to breathe. He let it, still caught up in remembering the whirlwind of his and Oikawa’s relationship now, how during that last year and last game and last time at the gym in high school when he told Oikawa he would be the best partner Iwaizumi will always consider, and Oikawa went “Is that the only thing you’ll see me as, Iwa-chan?” and outright kissed him there. Iwaizumi had stood stock still, his eyes wide open as he stared at Oikawa’s closed ones, unbelieving that the situation was actually happening.

Iwaizumi clutched at his chest now, covering an arm over his eyes so he can have some deniability when the inevitable tears start falling. _Shittykawa,_ he thought to himself angrily, squeezing at his shirt. Stupid, inconsiderate, selfish, merciless Oikawa. Iwaizumi wished fleetingly that he never did that, never took the step to kiss him, never tried to pursue a relationship, never went to Argentina… Iwaizumi wished a lot of things that never happened, but with the hand squeezing at his shirt he took back the wish for him and Oikawa to having never happened. He amends the thought to _wish we could’ve made it work; wish he’d given me the same effort I gave him; wish I was a different person; wish he was a different person_ … His heart ached at the last two, so he took them back as well.

Iwaizumu then realized that as difficult as it was to even exist beside Oikawa without wanting to change something about the brunette, he managed to do so for the past 15 year, give or take. _Maybe that’s why things turned out the way they did? Because I thought I could handle being with the same person for the past 15 years when he never changed while I did,_ Iwaizumi thought to himself, and he felt the pain recede somewhat, so he was sure he was right.

One thing he learned in California was that pain was the absence of conscious knowledge—that your body signals your brain that something hurts because there was something wrong, that there was some action needed to some body part. He’s learned to listen more acutely now because of that lesson, trying to pinpoint exactly _why_ it hurt. It was still centered around his chest, centered around Oikawa, so now he thought more about the setter.

The reason why Iwaizumi chose to distract himself whenever he thought of Oikawa for the last 10 months was because each memory that came to mind was something that ignited such a fierce longing in him that it would literally steal his breath away and leave him gasping. It was always the happy memories—the one after they kissed for the first time and when Oikawa pulled back he let out this genuine laugh that Iwaizumi thought he’d never see again, making him fall harder in love for the taller boy; the one when they decided which path they’d go on for the future and promised each other that even though those paths were diverging, they’d still stay together; the one when they spent an off season and a break in California, enjoying the beach on the coast that was so similar yet so different from back home, enjoying the sun and the sand and each other; the one when Oikawa called him in the middle of the night to say _Iwa-chan, I know it’s late for you but we just won our game! I won my debut season!_ and Iwaizumi felt this overwhelming pride for him, felt this absolute joy that Oikawa’s made it and said _I knew you could do it_ in reply, their conversation keeping Iwaizumi up until the next morning only to discover the next day that Oikawa called him first, forgoing the victory party for the CA San Juan team. 

These memories made him cry harder, missing the brunette so much, getting that familiar breathless sensation. He chose to feel it now, and he was confused when he also felt teardrops on the top of his arm that was over his eyes. He removed it, finally looking up at the gray sky above him that started to pour down rain. He stayed there on the ground, thinking of the _other_ memories now, thinking it fitting that it started to rain.

He thought of the last 2 years, when Oikawa got drafted for the Argentinian National Team and Iwaizumi was the National Japanese Team’s athletic trainer. He didn’t know that Oikawa had been naturalized then, and the knowledge that aside from the fact that _he should have known,_ Oikawa also didn’t tell him. A dread set into him the moment he realized, right after Argentina won, hoping that this was what Oikawa was after— _it should be, right? That’s what he told me, so I should be sure, right? I should be just_ **_hoping_ ** _that it was_ —and now that it was fulfilled they’d turn their focus on each other like they promised. 

So it was understandable that Iwaizumi was angry that Oikawa’s hunger for more not only made him lie by omission to the one person he shouldn’t have to lie to, but drove him further from Iwaizumi. It was odd, standing across from the man Oikawa’s become and seeing the teenager he once was, but worse—seeing in him the Oikawa that almost hit Kageyama then, only Iwaizumi wasn’t there to stop him so he only got worse. It scared him, and it made him lash out.

Iwaizumi looked up at the sky unseeing, not knowing if the water on his face was from the rain or from his eyes, thinking back to that fight and the promises that Oikawa told him that he believed in but shouldn’t have. They only got worse after that, Oikawa lying to him by choice now, from training schedule to his diet to whether or not he was resting, to even the tiniest thing like what he was up to, his other interests like sci-fi that he shouldn’t have to lie about. Conversation became awkward, and meetings were inexistent, Oikawa pulling further from him until all that was left was Iwaizumi’s outstretched hand, reaching for someone who didn’t want to be held anymore. 

So he dropped his hand too, thinking hoping, wishing that _that_ would wake Oikawa up, that it would make him realize how far he’s gone that even Iwaizumi pulled away from him too, but all the shorter got was a disinterested, _okay, if that’s what you want, Iwaizumi._ He thumped a fist to his chest then, closing his eyes and letting out a strangled sob at remembering Oikawa’s last words to him. Iwaizumi, the taller man had called him. Not Iwa-chan as was his wont, and not with the same enthusiasm he once did. Just Iwaizumi, like the two of them were complete strangers instead of childhood friends turned lovers. In a way maybe he was right to do so, even, because Iwaizumi couldn’t find anything familiar past Oikawa’s appearance. Standing across from Oikawa during that time was the ultimate blow to him because he could see that they were now on other sides of a bridge that was burning down with no hope of reconstruction. 

Iwaizumi opened his eyes then, for once seeing the sky clearly as he finally identified what it was that was also squeezing at his sternum—it was guilt. For the past 10 months he’s only thought about the best parts of his and Oikawa’s relationship that he essentially blinded himself to what happened at the end, and that’s where the guilt came in. Iwaizumi realized that for the past 10 months he’s been in denial of all the things that didn’t work between them and it made him feel guilty for not reaching out, for not moving to patch things up, for not doing what he would usually do and be there to support Oikawa. He’d been beating himself up for not forgiving the other, feeling like he’s furthering the rift between them for not reaching out, for not making the move to reconcile in a situation where he would usually be the one to give in first, and just like that his chest loosened, the pain and anger and loss still there but the guilt finally melting away. 

Lying there in the dirt in his backyard with the sky crying on him, Iwaizumi finally let himself be selfish for once. _I’m angry at him, and I have every right to be,_ he told himself, feeling a profound lightness that stopped his tears and made him laugh out loud. The guilt was gone now, and even if the rain drowned it out, it was still the first time in 10 months that Iwaizumi has laughed that freely. 

With the guilt gone, Iwaizumi stood up, finally feeling clean and light—two things that he didn’t know he’d been missing until they were back. With the guilt gone, Iwaizumi finally felt hope.

“I can do this,” he told himself out loud, going back inside to finish packing up the memories.

**Author's Note:**

> I wanna say as a disclaimer that I love Oikawa okay? I feel like he's one of the most complex and therefore most interesting characters in the HQ universe which is why it's both a pain in the ass and a joy to write him, even from the perspective of someone else. This is just me exploring the more grating sides of him.  
>    
>  Anyway I have 2 pieces left for this week, and they're both on day 7. One's another angst fic, and the other is so fluffy to make up for all the pain I've given you. I hope you look forward to it! My twitter is [here](https://twitter.com/yadoiAnghel)


End file.
